1. Post Office.
Your package got lost in the mail? Aww. Too bad! Please contact the company that shipped it to you, so they could send you back to the Post Office because it stopped being their problem the moment the package left the building. After you’ve completed that useless step with a predictable outcome, you are more than welcome to contact the Post Office again, so they could then tell you that they still don’t give a f*ck. Should have paid extra and gone with UPS.
Your payment didn’t go through because you forgot to transfer money between accounts, for the 15th time? Not their problem. You bought something online and then changed your mind just in time for them to tell you that it’s not refundable? Unfortunately for you, it’s not your bank’s problem. I’m sure you’re used to the scare tactic “I’ll take my business elsewhere” actually working, but even that sometimes doesn’t do anything except cause you irritation because you can’t get your way. Naturally, both of those scenarios happened in the first place because you’re just an asshole. But in a following, more particular case it’s the bank that’s the asshole. Let’s say your credit card is stolen in the middle of the night and a robot instead of a human being on the other end of the phone just isn’t satisfying. “If your credit card is lost or stolen, please press 5”. You press 5. “Please enter the 16 digits on the front of your credit card.” Really?! How am I supposed to do that if I don’t have the darn thing in front of me for the reasons mentioned above?! Oh wait… Nobody cares.
3. Alarm Clock.
Whether you’re about to open a whole bunch of presents or you’re about to make hot passionate love to someone, or basically anything else that causes you extreme excitement… BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! You never get to live out the best portions of your dream because your alarm clock doesn’t give a f*ck. You went out last night and didn’t get home until the crack of dawn? You uncomfortably passed out on your couch with your jeans halfway to your ankles? Guess what, your alarm doesn’t give a f*ck. And thank god for that because you’re probably gonna need all that time to wash off the remains of that late night Wendy’s burger that’s stuck to your face. Your alarm clock also doesn’t give a f*ck if you forgot to turn it off the night before when you don’t have to get up early the next day. It’ll inevitably go off at yet again the best part of your dream.