HATE CHRONICLES: The Physical Appearance Edition

Whether you spend 5 minutes on getting ready before you present yourself to the public or an hour; whether you’re maintaining your own appearance or observing that of others, you’re bound to strike a pet peeve or two in the midst of it all. Sure, physical image isn’t everything; even so, the following obstacles are nothing short of annoying.

  1. TANGLED – Some refer to it as sex hair. “Sex hair” became a trend and with time only grew more popular on Instagram and everywhere else. What the world doesn’t seem to realize is that there is a vast difference between what is perceived as sex hair and what actually is sex hair. More often than not, “sex hair” is staged with no actual sex involved. It kinda sorta resembles a tangled mess; somewhat disheveled and tossed in an artsy manner, usually accompanied by sultry makeup. Cause that’s real… When actual sex hair occurs, I assure you it’s not followed by selfies; it’s followed by excessive cursing and intense brushing that causes ripping out said hair. Also, it’s hardly ever equally distributed all around your head in a seductive way. Chances are it’s all collected by the back of your neck, in a jumbled bird nest looking chaos.
  2. WINE-STAINED– Red wine is wonderful. Unfortunately it acts as a complete giveaway. ‘No officer, I wasn’t drinking tonight’ followed by ‘Um, ma’am, your teeth and lips say otherwise’. Or ‘I just had a glass of wine with the girls honey, that’s it’ followed by ‘Did you go swimming in the Pacific afterwards? Cause your lips are purple’. Not to mention, when you get nice and drunk and start dancing around the house, swinging your glass left and right, your carpet doesn’t stand a chance. And while covering it with baking soda and pretending to snort it through a straw for your fellow Snapchatters is fun and all, it’s still a nuisance.
  3. BODY HAIR – As a woman of the modern world, I can say without a doubt that body hair isn’t something I’m pleased with. That prickly stuff keeps making a comeback and it puts a serious damper on my getting ready routine. I tend to pride myself on being able to get ready fairly quickly, being a girl and all; then the shaving aspect comes in and fucks it all up. I won’t spend hours on hair and makeup, cause fuck that, but I keeping those arm pits, legs and privates nice and neat messes with my otherwise timely primping procedures.
  4. BANGS – I actually love bangs. What I hate is the tedious process behind maintaining them. No one has the time or money to go to a hair stylist once a week just to trim bangs. Well maybe not “no one”, but I certainly don’t. So I’m forced to trust myself with scissors over the bathroom sink every single time. Thankfully I’m getting pretty good at it but I’m not gonna lie; there have been times when I butchered the hell out of them, and was forced to pin them up until they grew back out, which made me look like Lady Gaga’s alter ego – Alejandro. And how come the hair on the rest of your head doesn’t grow as fast as your bangs do? Yes, I know, the more you cut it, the faster it grows. BUT. I’m almost willing to bet money on the fact that if I were to trim the rest of my head once a week like I do with bangs, I will very soon end up looking like Miley Cyrus. Ugh, life is so unfair.
  5. TOO MUCH MAKEUP – I get it; we’re not all blessed with perfect skin. A little cover up here and there doesn’t hurt anyone. However, that ‘porcelain skin’ look some girls have going on isn’t fooling anyone. Covering up a pimple or a blemish isn’t the same as covering up your entire face, Babydoll. Oh but clearly that’s not enough; there you go gluing on eyelashes and painting your eyebrows as well. Why would you do that to yourself? Do you justify it as a workout somehow by carrying the weight of all that makeup on your face all day? Awe honey, it’s not the same thing. I mean you do you of course; I just feel bad… Must take an awful lot of time out of your day to slather it all on, and just as much time to scrub it all off at the end of the day; assuming of course you care about your sheets and pillows more than you do about clogging your pores with all that gunk.
  6. POLKA DOTS – Polka dots suck just as much as cowl neck sweaters and trapeze dresses do; in a sense that they’re totally awesome but you can’t wear them if you’re fat as they will only make you look fatter. I hate that. Whenever my large breastesses and I gain weight, so many generally beloved clothing items become off limits, it’s ridiculous. I’m almost willing to give up french fries if it means I could have polka dots back in my life. Until then I’m just gonna hate on them, cause being unreasonable is all I feel like doing at the moment.
  7. CONTACT LENSES – Aside from the fact that I am completely freaked out by putting things in my eyeballs and it takes me half an hour to fix an occasional redness with Visine, I am generally much more fond of glasses than I am of contacts. Glasses don’t only act as an extension of one’s personality, but they’re also a lot easier to take care of. They’re not slippery like contacts are, and if you drop them on the floor for example, unlike contacts they’re pretty easy to spot. And let’s not forget about the scratchy eyes; an effect I often hear my friends complain about because they drunkenly forgot to remove them from before going to bed. But whatever, to each their own; I’m not the one wearing them. Although it does make me a little sad when I see people wear colored contacts. Why would you hide your natural eyes behind obviously fake looking blue ones? You do understand that by putting blue or green contacts in, your eyes don’t actually transform into ‘desired’ color, right? I wish people didn’t do that… ALL eyes are beautiful the way that they are; yes even brown ones. Stop fucking with nature and what your mother gave you.

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