HATE CHRONICLES: The Health Edition

The idea of eating properly, working out and generally leading a healthy lifestyle is extremely alluring until it’s time to actually doing all those things. Then you’re all like ‘Meh, I’ll do it tomorrow cause this pasta is looking really good right now’. There’s a saying in Russian that doesn’t translate very well but it goes something like this: A person that’s full cannot truly sympathize with a starving one. It’s pretty on point; it’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when it comes to understanding their feelings and emotions, because even though you yourself have had similar ones in the past, it doesn’t apply to you right there and then. There’s another saying; an existing one in the English language that very clearly suggests that you should never go food shopping on an empty stomach – also on point. You’re not you when you’re hungry. Undoubtedly you must find yourself in situations where the sensible you that were present just earlier that day disappears right before your eyes, when an opportunity to achieve pleasure via selfish and very much opposite of sensible route presents itself and I lose all self-control; don’t you hate that?

  1. Eyes are bigger than your stomach – You’re starving. Food is good. Good food is better. You want this and that and some more of that, so you order a bunch of stuff. Then you start pigging out and at first it’s magical. Soon the magical feeling is replaced by “I’m getting full now; why the hell did I get all this food?” So you’re forced to either waste the remainder, because it doesn’t travel well or won’t be good cold or you have nowhere to put it, etc. or stuff yourself because your parents taught you well and you should never leave food on a plate (“There are starving children out there”), in which case you’re facing the inevitable ‘I hate myself, I am going to crawl into a hole and die now’ feeling. I hate that feeling. The solution is clearly to order less food… But you know, that’s where the self-control thing comes in, and I for one don’t have any.
  2. Going to sleep with the TV on – Some people like the background noise when they’re asleep; some even need it. Others prefer complete silence and darkness. Personally, I tend to have all kinds of fucked up dreams if I leave the TV on at night; the characters on the screen seep into my brain and perform evil dances in my head. Now, if this is something you know about yourself, you would think that one would learn and shut the damn thing off before going to bed. But no, instead you turn it ON knowing damn well that you’re going to pass out in 10 minutes cause you’re exhausted, just to wake up hours later realizing that that you’re several seasons in you’ve screwed yourself out of a good night sleep. That’s some masochistic shit right there.
  3. “Just two beers tonight” – This is what you say to yourself when you go out with your coworkers or friends, and in your head you mean it but somehow it never works out that way. Instead these nights end at the crack of dawn because your sanity and sense of responsibility escapes from you the moment someone buys you a shot. It all pretty much goes downhill from there. If I had a penny for every time that happened…
  4. Hangovers – They can be cruel; at times they even make you want to die. In all fairness though, as unwanted of a visitor a hangover may be, you only have yourself to blame for its presence. I know; it’s tough to accept responsibility for having done something that horrible to yourself, especially as you’re crouching over the toilet puking your guts out, but you must. You don’t want to be mean to yourself; you’re going through enough pain as it is, but again you must. It’s not the alcohol’s fault; it’s your fault for putting the alcohol in your system, and it’s only going to get worse the older you get, I promise.
  5. Driving Drunk– You’re either overly confident or severely paranoid, neither of which is good. Even when you say “I’m an excellent drunk driver”, it’s still because you’re either overly confident or severely paranoid. When you are ‘confident’, you basically don’t give a fuck. Your balls grow as if magically so; you tend to go over the speed limit, and go around other cars in an obnoxious manner. You think you’re so great, Schumacher status, but the fact of the matter is you’re probably not even staying in your lane. So your only validation to this excellent driving of yours is that your ass just hasn’t been caught yet. Your only judge of your driving is yourself and those in the car with you and ya’ll drunk as fuck and are therefore disqualified from the judging committee. Now, when you’re a paranoid drunk, your balls shrink instead. What happens is you become ‘more aware’ and therefore extra careful. You go the speed limit, and try not to attract any attention to yourself. You also become the master on tips of drunk driving. One of the most popular tips being ‘If you’re seeing doubles, focus on the middle which is the center of nothingness and that will lead you straight.’ It’s a dangerous game you’re playing, my friends.

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