The Best Type of Cleaning is Drunk Cleaning

When drunk bitches violate your roommate’s domain while he’s on vacation and trusts you to protect the castle, you must remedy the situation by assuming the responsibility of cleaning up the crime scene. Do I like the fact that I’m held responsible for our mutual friend’s (who also happens to be my boss) drunken, childish behavior? Hell no. Am I willing to move past it because essentially it’s not a huge deal? Sure.

Now, I do his laundry on a regular basis anyway. I’m kind of like a glorified housekeeper in a sense that I get to keep the house clean in return for brownie points and credit that continuously apply to my profile as I work my way up in his startup company. Weird as it may seem, let’s not focus on the pink elephant in the room but instead hang out with the pink zebra that I brought along to keep me company as I change his sheets, fold his undies and roll his socks into conveniently matching tubes. As the black and white monkey stares at me judgingly, I mock it back because I’ve got a bottle of wine and all it’s got is a friggin banana. Sure you can suck on it but can you swivel it and be pretentious with it in your hand right before you chug it shamelessly? Hmmm well I guess you can. Well, at least mine gets you buzzed!

Buzzed is the only way to do this by the way. Not because he’s a dirty human being, which he’s not… But because it doesn’t end at making his bed and folding his clothes; the bathroom has been in need of some loving for a long time now and that my friends, involves some serious chemicals.

Mind you, the drunk bitches that smothered his bed with scissoring and beer spillage had nothing to do with his bathroom being a shit show… They may or may not have taken selfies with his rubber duckies shower curtain (which is hanging by a thread by the way; I mean the entire top is ripped to shreds and attached to the rod via three rings) but that’s about it. It just so happens that when I’m in cleaning mode, I’m in super cleaning mode and I happen to attack all adjacent areas. It’s a shame that the immediately adjacent area to his bedroom is the bathroom that hasn’t gotten any TLC in years unless we’re talking vigorous shower sex sessions.

Anyway I got armed with gloves and a lime-away spray bottle; glass of wine still in hand, I went to town, attacking every single black(ish) spot I could find.

Dude! That shit was so toxic, I had to run away from there, bringing the wine bottle with me of course, gripping it under my armpit like it was a puppy that was about to die from dangerous fumes.

As the initial coat of Lime-away was settling in, I waited in the kitchen for the war zone to calm the hell down before I went back in there with my scrubbie brush. In the meantime I had a few more sips of wine in the kitchen where it was safe. I remember thinking to myself that I might have to open another bottle of wine in order to go back in there and complete what I’d started… Needless to say, I wasn’t wrong. In order to clean up that much mildew, I needed reinforcements. One thing I have to say… I’m not sorry I didn’t take a picture of my second bottle of wine which I downed shamelessly. I am however sorry I didn’t take a ‘before’ photo of this bathroom because man Oh man was there a difference. I’m so happy that my roommate/boss no longer has to snapchat his nudes in a filthy bathroom as he’s showering, trying to masque it with filters and whatnot. Now he can actually focus on shots of his jaw line and abs, not worrying about what’s in the background because… It’s clean as Fuck!

Let’s get back to the beginning for a quick sec. Would I have cleaned the hell out of his ‘private corner’ if said drunk bitches hadn’t behaved like stubborn imbeciles, ignoring every and all of my requests to shut off the lights, cover the hot tub after use, not feed the cat pizza and never ever, under any circumstances enter the owner’s bedroom? Sure, I would have gotten to it eventually I’m sure. ‘Eventually’ being the key word… In this case however, I gained leverage of sorts on an ‘I’m not a piece of shit; I work full time and I still manage to clean your private areas in the meantime and write about it’ level.

Bottom line is this… Wine definitely helps when cleaning is involved. Listening to a podcast featuring Gavin McInnes is right up there with it. Being a night owl who doesn’t generally go to sleep until the sun gets up is a close second. And last but not least, there is the natural need to please people which I of course possess. Why else would I get down and dirty in my roommate’s bathroom right after folding his laundry? Certainly not to send a cryptic message; neither one of us is good at that. It’s much more reasonable to just accept the fact that I’m his live-in biatch. I don’t mind. I’ll rectify it in the morning by swimming naked in the pool and doing whatever else the hell I want on the premises of his mansion.
Cheers to the happy and clean house and a drunk/happy ME!

Editor’s note:

You’ll be happy to know that the duck curtain has been official fixed; with duct tape no less. I guess it would have been slightly cooler if I duct taped the duck curtain with actual Duck Tape but I used whatever I had available and quite frankly I don’t dislike the silver look; it matches the rod. Either way the ducks are officially in a row and have gained at least another few years of life support.


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