Sex Only Gets Better With Age

The way I see it is much like with everything in life, sex can be divided into three categories: the good the bad and the ugly. The thing about Ugly is that it can be both good and bad depending on the circumstances. The thing they all have in common is the fact that just like us humans they go through all stages of life: young, prime, somewhere in the middle and old as hell. That’s right; you think banging skulls against the headboard is sexy, wait ‘til you’re 69 and doing it on your death bed. I only said 69 for dramatic effect obviously; we’re talking more like 84 when there’s no chance that your shenanigans aren’t accompanied by Viagra.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though. The road to wrinkly skin and bones and concaved asses is as long as Mandingo’s shlaung and it’s filled with all kinds of experiences.

When you’re young, sex is generally nothing short of clumsy. No one knows what they’re doing. Guys are generally compared to hungry jack rabbits that’ll climb anything that moves and doesn’t move; and girls aren’t familiar with their own bodies enough to even know what they like or don’t like. Let’s also not forget about the expectations vs reality for which we can undoubtedly blame both porn and romantic chick flicks. With all that in mind, what usually ends up happening is the guy blows his load and the girl at best walks away with merely the satisfaction of being responsible for making him come. It’s some sort of a pride thing or whatever; like you’d be proud of a child you’d raised, these young chicks are proud of the jizz they’ve caused to be released into this world with their bodies… Anyway. Obviously there’s a lot more to sex than that; they just don’t know it yet. At least that’s the word on the street; I obviously wouldn’t know since I’m a total prude.

Isn’t that just adorable

Let’s fast forward from the teenage years… You’re older now. Now you’re in your prime; mid to late twenties let’s say. You’ve slept with enough people to be able to filter through some of them instead of just ‘going for it’ cause ‘who cares, I’m young I just wanna have fun’… You’re a little more selective about your prey and you’re a little more selfish about your needs as well. The ‘girls’ are now young women who not only take control of the situation by frequently getting on top but also allowing themselves to be vulnerable in ways that are much more fun than just laying back in a missionary position. That’s right boys and girls, these are the years that handcuffs, blindfolds and various toys start accumulating their wear and tear. It’s all experimental of course, so still they don’t always know what they’re doing. Remember, this is the same generation that watches movies like ‘fifty shades darker’ and thinks they know everything about that life. It’s like reading a book on mountain climbing and making a reservation at Mt Everest. Amateurs.

At least there’s always alcohol to shift blame on

Believe it or not it’s in the thirties and forties where most fun takes place. These are the years during which you’re extra selfish and vocal about your wants and needs. This is the key to happy clams and wieners; knowing what you want and bluntly asking for it. That kind of shit doesn’t happen when you’re young; you’re afraid of what people might think. When you’re older you don’t give a F*ck about what anybody thinks. Your tits and balls are starting to droop and you start realizing you’ve got nothing to prove. A great friend of mine (who shall remain nameless of course) has zero qualms about being open. He puts it right there on the table; no secrecy and no confusion. And you know what happens? Females eat that shit right up. That’s why he doesn’t sleep with girls anymore; they’re too reserved and confused; they think everything he says is some kind of a subliminal message or a game when in fact he’s just being straight forward. “I don’t want to date you; all I want is sex and my favorite is anal so it’d be ideal if you were up for it”. BAM! Done deal. Of course the key is to be just as selfless as you are selfish with this kind of thing. You lay down the rules and express what you want and when the offer is accepted you do your best to make sure each party benefits. It should never be a one way street; not when you’re older and wiser. Having said that, here’s what happened on a recent date of his. It makes me smile just thinking about it. So he booked a hotel – check. He went on a diet for three days prior to the day they were supposed to meet. Granted, his “diet” meant eating subway sandwiches and soups (lol) but I guess it’s an improvement to his normally much greasier food choices. On the day of, as they’re riding the elevator up, she pulls out a douche and winks at him. If imagining a girl you’re about to have anal sex with, douching all the remaining poop-ticles out of her body so the two of you can have an enjoyable sexual experience isn’t the sexiest thing ever, I don’t know what is.

Next time you call someone a Douchebag, you’ll actually know where the term comes from 😉


That’s just it. Those kinds of stories are what makes me believe the fact that sex only gets better with age. I mean sure, eventually,  as you enter the latter double digits of your life, your body won’t be as flexible or whatever … Your mind and your sexuality however will be far more flexible then. You know what you want, what works and what doesn’t and you’re not afraid to express your needs. It’s simple; no BS. Not to mention your kids are out of the house, and retirement is just around the corner. Don’t get me wrong; when I say sex only gets better as you get older, I’m not saying there isn’t an expiration date. Wine only gets better as it gets older too… but you either leave that shit open for a while or store it on the far shelf for too long without proper care, and it gets spoiled if you know what I mean. At 97 I’d say it’s ill-advised to experiment (weak hearts, fake hips and faulty joints and all); at 97 I’d say you’re done. That 50’s-70’s gap is totally up for grabs if you ask me.

You’re not ready…

Hope you’re ready for the contradiction ‘cause here it ‘comes’. Aside from the technicalities that you get to learn about yourself and the people you sleep with, I’m a firm believer in the fact that you have to be in love in order to have amazing sex. While it’s not just me and there are others who share that sentiment, I have accepted the fact that I’m part of this weird group that feels this way. Everyone out there is getting busy; they have their buttons and they know exactly what pushes them and how long it takes. I’m too busy enjoying my solitude whilst having zero sex in hopes that one day I’ll get to be in love with the someone that I’m ‘doing it’ with. Perhaps it’s juvenile; perhaps it’s silly. I’m okay with that. I’d much rather be super old and in love, bumping uglies with favorite human than have another meaningless affair; an affair that I’m probably not going to remember; an affair I’d probably rather forget.

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