Ridiculous Inventions of the 21st Century

It seems that there’s no such thing as a stupid idea nowadays. The things that “make it” past the idea mode and into the public to be redistributed again and again are not only appalling but also completely useless. So maybe it’s not the fact that there isn’t a stupid idea out there these days; it’s the fact that for every stupid idea, there is a crowd of stupid people that will support that idea and contribute to its survival and reproduction.

Here are some examples of really stupid ideas that somehow, due to our wonderful intellectually challenged humanity, manage to still pop up on the advertising side panels of websites as well as infomercials.

1. TOUCH SCREEN TV.
This seems to be the new hype these days; the height of technology! Now your phones aren’t the only things you can operate without having to press any buttons. Now you can stand in front of your gigantic flat screen TV and poke it with your finger as it gets foggy from your breath. Silly me, I thought the remote controls were pretty useful when they came out, giving us the ability to remain comfortably on the couch as we flip through channels. I guess I was wrong; getting up to do the very same thing we used to do back in the day is far more advanced.

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2. SELFIE STICK WITH A ZOOM OPTION.
First and foremost, let me just say that the original selfie stick was an obnoxious invention to begin with. Someone must have been really bored and not to mention lonely to have come up with this concoction. There was probably a broom and duct tape involved in the beginning, but alas something that started with just a hack trick and a self-timer made its way onto the shelves of all the markets in its most advanced variation. That wasn’t enough however. It is no longer a device that you can use to take a picture of yourself at a proper distance when no one is around; it is now a device that features a new, not at all useless function that allows you to zoom in on yourself from the distance that you yourself created. I guess the whole “negative one plus one equals zero” concept got skipped when this was being approved for manufacturing.

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3. ENDLESS KITCHEN APPLIANCES.
These are notorious to get experimented on. Today’s generation just doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of “less is more”. What happened to simplicity and all its beauty? All of a sudden we have sporks, egg crackers and crust cutters. A spork is about as useful as a square wheel. It’s not both fork and a spoon – it’s neither. The spoon portion is too small to eat soup with and the fork portion is too short to function as an actual fork. A SpongeBob shaped crust cutter is as ridiculous as it gets – use a damn knife to cut the crusts off your sandwiches. Last but not least – A device solely designed for the purpose of cracking an egg? Are you freaking kiddin’ me? I almost lost my mind when I saw it on Groupon. It looks more complicated that the medieval underwear with locks on it that women had to wear to prevent them from cheating on their husbands while they were at war. Why are we filling our kitchens with all this junk? The more junk you obtain, the less space you have to store your much more functional and less retarded toys.

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4. TEMPORARY BODY IMAGE MODIFIERS.
No one’s happy with the way they look anymore. Between Botox and implants, it’s hard to spot who’s real and who’s plastic, but at least once you get them naked it’s more or less the same as you expected when they were clothed. Miracle bras I believe are what got the ball rolling in the being “fooled” department. You take a girl home because her giant knockers speak to your soul and then as she undresses, her knockers disappear into the dark corner on the floor along with the bra. Surprise! That was bad enough, but no, we had to take it a step further and invent things like Booty Pop and male underwear with a fake bulge where the wiener is supposed to be. With a push up bra at least all it does is push up that which you already have, even if it’s not a lot. It’s a whole different story when you “enhance” yourself with detachable body parts. You heard Sir Mix-a-Lot make a reference about men liking big butts years ago and now you’re trying to attract them to your butt via “Booty Pop”; trust me, when your butt vanishes along with your underwear, the anaconda won’t be happy. Assuming of course the anaconda was there to begin with. Who knows, maybe he was wearing the false dick undies? Perhaps now the two of you can bond over faking your body parts, fall in love and be together forever on the account of both of you being deceitful freaks, and the fact that he has a tiny wiener and you have no butt won’t even matter, until way later in the future.

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5. TEMPORARY FACE TRANSPLANT.
Naturally I’m not talking about an actual face transplant, but I might as well be, with this new “facial contouring” that seems to be taking over the world of makeup. True, it’s rare that a woman will skip makeup altogether. We all have flaws; there’s no harm in masquing the minor ones slightly. It’s a whole different story when you start painting your face to look like a completely different person. Women are going out into the world looking flawless, luring dumb men into their chambers where they make sweet love to them and only then take off their masks and show their true selves. Poor suckers never even see it coming. Just when they thought they could recognize a girl with what is commonly referred to as coats of spackle on her face, they get hit with this brand new “technology” called facial contouring which is very different from the general inability to put on makeup that results in too many layers of unevenly spread foundation. This is where it gets tricky – Both will leave you with pounds of products on your face but only one will leave you looking natural. Isn’t that scary? No one is gonna know your face isn’t your face until they wake up next to you in the morning!

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6. THE JAW STRAP.
First of all, there’s only one strap on that should ever enter the bedroom and this atrocity isn’t it. Now onto a more serious matter at hand. It’s hard to think of things they haven’t created to help people stop snoring. Between the sleep studies and the nose strips, I never thought it would come down to literally strapping your jaw to your head so your mouth doesn’t open. I was wrong, as it’s clearly something that very much exists. I’m too weirded out by the thing to do any actual research on it but just off the top of my head, isn’t that kind of dangerous? Your mouth opens in your sleep because your nasal ways are blocked and the air has to enter your lungs somehow. I believe that if whoever that’s sleeping next to you gets annoyed at your snoring, and instead of rolling you over simply closes your mouth, there’s a chance you could die. By voluntarily strapping your jaw shut, aren’t you expediting that process yourself?

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I’m usually fond of weird behavior. Better being weird than being boring – I always say. This shit however, is above and beyond anything I would ever advocate. Live a simpler life, people.

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