Red Bull in All its Evil Glory

They say Red Bull gives you wings. Unless they’re the wings of the devil, I call BS. Red Bull gives you a false sense of having wings that seemingly provide you with the possibility of conquering the world while jumping off roofs and cliffs as you party hard ‘til dawn. And then the realization of your tired and very feeble mortality comes crashing down along with your non-existent super powers.

Drinking Red Bull as a means to wake up in the morning after a long drunken rager, has become part of a morning routine for many. Let’s also not forget the fact that these same people were probably guzzling it in combination with vodka the night before. I guess there’s something about it tasting like liquid synthetic candy that draws people to it; you know, aside from the fact that it boosts your ‘whatever’, which certainly isn’t your morale.

Before anything else though, Red Bull is nothing but a well-known brand; and people stay true to the brands of their choosing. Try offering a Monster to a dedicated Red Bull drinker and they snarl at you, as if the two don’t taste almost exactly the same. Chances are they’ll drink it anyway because they’re in need of that ‘energy’ like the addicts that they are, but they’ll make it very obvious that they’re not enjoying it one bit.

Red Bull has managed to take over millions of hearts and souls of those of us who are too weak to withhold the temptations of staying up all night even though we damn well know that we need to somehow be functional and productive the next day. Needless to say, I’m no angel myself when it comes to evil temptations, so naturally I’ve found myself surrounded by Red Bull and all its glory on more than one occasion. And while I am more of a recreational user rather than a lifer, I know one thing for a fact; every time I chug one or two of those infamous blue cans, I end up wasting the day away instead of being in any way shape or form useful to society or myself.

All in all I think the phrase ‘Red Bull gives you Wings’ is severely misunderstood. It seems as though it implies that you can do anything while under the sedation of this ‘life serum’ – even fly like a bird! Well… I’ve thought about this and I believe that Red Bull’s slogan craftily hides behind that of a Kite. So yeah, technically you’re given wings; but at what cost? You can only fly as far as the string lets you and as long as the wind plays along.  The moment the wind dies, you fall and there goes all of your flying. As you’re lying there all dead, lacking any energy to get up and do things you’re bound to start contemplating if it was all worth it. Most of the time you come to the conclusion that it isn’t worth it all; but that doesn’t stop you from doing it all over again the next opportunity to ‘fly’ comes along. Damn these liquid drugs that give you wings.

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