There is a very special place in my entity filled with hatred that’s allotted especially for call centers. Every time I have to dial an eight hundred number I get a bit anxious over potentially wasted time on the phone with some imbecile who’s probably stationed in India or some other foreign country and whose idea of helping is reading the same useless script over and over again. I understand that it’s not their fault; they’re trained to do exactly that, but it doesn’t make it any less aggravating.

These call center jobs must have become quite lucrative over the years seeing as how more and more of these “representatives” are now locally sourced. Never mind the fact that they’re merely a bigger extension to an already obscenely large base of imbeciles; they’ve been “upgraded” to predominately English speaking individuals which means you can now get mad at them for being actual idiots instead of just being mad at them due to inevitable miscommunication caused by language barriers.

Here’s my issue with all this; no matter how much progress is made, if any at all, you’re bound to hang up the phone feeling drained. There are various reasons for said outcome, none of which as we’ve established include the inability to understand a foreign accent.

  1. The Insincerity.

They have a “line” for every situation that they robotically respond with repeatedly, and most of the time that line is “I understand you’re upset” usually followed by nothing even remotely close to doing anything about it. What good is it to me that you “understand” if you’re not offering any sort of a solution to my problem? I don’t need you to understand; I need you to fix it! They also say “I’m sorry” a lot; I’m not buying it.

  1. The Stalling.

They repeat what you say to them every single time. You explain the issue and they go ahead and repeat it. YES, that’s what I JUST said. There’s no need to waste my time going over every single detail I voiced literally a second ago. You’re just saying that to fill the air with something other than silence while you’re looking for the proper script to respond with instead of actually searching for the solution to my problem.

  1. The Troubleshooting.

Maybe it’s just me, but I try to get any and all possible scenarios for what could be wrong out of the way before I resort to contacting Support. Why? Because I don’t want to waste my goddamn time if I don’t have to! All the more reason I get very aggravated when they start asking me stupid questions like if I’ve tried reloading the page or rebooting the system. Yes goddamn it, that’s the first f***ing thing I did! Nevertheless, they always try to take you through that process “just in case”. Just in case of what? Just in case I’m just as much of an idiot as you are? I brought you up to speed in the very beginning of the conversation on what’s not working and what I’d already attempted to fix it. Had you been listening to me instead of doodling on your cubicle, we wouldn’t have to have this time wasting conversation.

  1. The Hold.

Much like it is unpleasant in the beginning prior to any “human interaction”, it is even more unpleasant when it takes place during a transfer. Perhaps you’ve reached the wrong department. Perhaps you got tired of talking to someone who has no answers and at this point demanded to be transferred to a manager as it often happens. Either way being on hold is crucial because you run a high chance of the call “accidentally” disconnecting causing you to go through the entire process again.

  1. The Derailing.

This may or may not be a thing – a technique customer service representatives use to get your attention away from the issue at hand by reacting dramatically to what you’re saying in a way that would send you into a state of confusion, making you think you’ve set your own house on fire. That derailing shit isn’t gonna work on me. Very recently due to relocation, I had to update a bunch of billing/mailing addresses. Thanks to the digital world we live in today, I was able to take care of most of it online, not without minor issues of course. One of my shopping accounts wouldn’t accept the updated information after numerous attempts, so after exhausting all options known to me I begrudgingly called the customer support line. After I managed to explain the situation to what seemed to be a very young, gum chewing, completely uninterested in my issues fella, he finally exclaimed “Okay! This is not your fault!” Well no shit dude, I know it’s not my fault. What did he expect me to say? “Phew thank god it’s not my fault, thank you for clarifying that, have a wonderful day” only to realize hours later that it being my fault or not wasn’t the issue at all and my billing address is still not updated? Give me a break.

Needless to say my billing address remains outdated and there’s no cure in sight. Much like there doesn’t seem to be a cure for the evilness of all call centers.

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